


Doing This Again

by Elison_Saquet0, N1Nj4



Series: Ain't No Grave [1]
Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Attention paid to details, Betaed, Canon, Canon Compliant, Dina's POV, F/F, Flashbacks, Flirting, POV Dina (The Last of Us), Recovery, Sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:14:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25192993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elison_Saquet0/pseuds/Elison_Saquet0, https://archiveofourown.org/users/N1Nj4/pseuds/N1Nj4
Summary: Story set after the events of TLOU2.Ellie has left and Dina is alone with J.J. Even though she wishes she could move on, she does find herself waiting, not knowing if Ellie will ever return.My own take on why a house would be empty and how it could be filled again.Dina's POV.The piece is intended to mirrorThe Path of the Right. You can choose to read both in any order.
Relationships: Dina & JJ (The Last of Us), Dina & Tommy (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie & Tommy (The Last of Us)
Series: Ain't No Grave [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1853092
Comments: 23
Kudos: 115





	1. I have to finish it

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to my wonderful beta N1NJ4!

She saw it. She saw that faint glimmer in her eyes when Tommy landed his finger on the map. She felt a shiver going down her spine because she knew that Ellie was not yet strong enough to fully resist the urge to fall back into this cycle of revenge. And this was a trigger. She watched her: her breath deepening, her hands fidgeting on her lap, and her nodding as Tommy kept going. She guessed Ellie was already internally debating whether to go back or whether to give up. 

“We're done with that, so...,” Dina tried, attempting to cut short the debate yet failing to sound as firm as she had hoped.

The silence, the glare Tommy gave her... And then Ellie sighed a “I'm sorry” which, she couldn't help thinking now, maybe, was less addressed to Tommy than to her. 

When Tommy started his emotional blackmailing, holding Ellie accountable for past promises sworn in the midst of grief, she saw red. How dare he come here, to their home, and destroy their daily efforts to build a sense of normalcy back into their life? Her heart started pounding in her ears and her chest. She attempted to stop Tommy's words, so that they would not make their way into Ellie's mind. And when he walked away, she felt she could not let him go like this. “ _ What an infuriating goddamn' asshole! _ ” she thought to herself as she followed him outside, J.J. safely passed into Ellie's arms.

It took Dina a full hour to calm down once he was gone. She remained outside, sitting on the steps to the porch. Ellie joined her soon after. She sat next to her without a word. She grabbed her hand, brought it to her mouth for a soft kiss before putting her arm around Dina's shoulders. Dina let her head go against Ellie's shoulder. They both exhaled a sigh, rocking slowly as they watched the clouds cover the sun. 

* * *

Her stomach tied in a knot as she moved downstairs. She had woken up to an empty bed, with Ellie's side so cold she knew her partner had barely slept next to her. J.J. was cluelessly sleeping in his crib, courtesy of Ellie, who was always so afraid the baby would roll off when she could not stay in the bed and protect him from a fall.

She walked slowly over to the kitchen where she could hear Ellie rummaging. Her blood froze in her veins when she saw her hunched over a backpack on the kitchen floor. And she was wearing Joel's old jacket... She swallowed and took a deep breath.

“Hey,” she called softly.

“Hey,” Ellie replied, hesitant, as she stood to face her.

She didn't know what to say. Was this really happening? Was Ellie truly preparing to leave? It couldn't be, not so quickly... 

“Man,” she said, “it's been a while since he slept this long, huh?”

“He had a day,” Ellie responded.

They all had quite a day, actually... but she nodded.

“Yeah... he's fine. Come back to bed,” she said softly, gesturing to their bedroom. “We'll talk about it in the morning, okay?”

She knew the talk was going to be hard. Negotiations with Ellie could be tough at times, but she was not going to avoid it. They  _ had _ to talk. They couldn't pretend Tommy had not stormed Abby back into their life. Just like they couldn't pretend nothing happened there, back in Seattle. So they would talk, sure. But Dina just wasn't ready yet for this round, not at this time of day. She took a couple of steps, turning her back to Ellie whom she hoped would follow her. Maybe she should have taken her hand, she thought. 

“I have to finish it,” Ellie confessed.

Dina closed her eyes. She would have given anything not to hear these words in Ellie's mouth. “ _ Oh no you don't... _ ” she thought, shaking her head. Fucking Tommy... She turned to face Ellie again. 

“You don't owe Tommy anything,” she said, placing her hands on her hips to build confidence.

“I don't sleep,” Ellie sighed. “I don't eat. I'm...” She closed her eyes. “I'm not like you, Dina.”

“What?” She whispered, angrily, rolling her eyes. She couldn't believe Ellie would say such a thing. “ _ Bullshit! _ ” She thought angrily. “You think this is easy?” She scoffed. “For you and for him,” she gestured to their bedroom again, walking up to Ellie, “I deal with it.”

She could see Ellie's eyes filling with tears. She seemed lost. She felt the urge to kiss her back in her arms, to kiss her worries away, to hold her in her arms and make her see how pointless it was to even consider going back. How pointless and hurtful it was to leave her family behind over a weeks-old clue leading to this evil woman.

“I love you,” Ellie said firmly.

“Prove it,” she responded, and then implored. “Stay.” 

There was a long silence as Ellie stared down at the floor. Could she change her mind? Could this be enough for her to reconsider?

“I can't,” she eventually said, looking for Dina's eyes.

“So what? I'm just supposed to stay here and wait for you for God knows how long, just thinking you're dead the entire time?” Dina responded, her voice cracking as she felt her chest filling with pain.

“I don't plan on dying,” Ellie immediately said, too harsh, too dispassionately.

It triggered Dina's anger. How could she think it was her decision to make, whether she would live or die? As if willing to survive, to live, was the insurance to keep death at bay... She just had to think of all the deaths they had known in Jackson to realize this was bullshit.

“Yeah, well, neither did Jesse.” She paused. “Or Joel,” she added, regretting it immediately.

Ellie blinked, frowned, shook her head and bent to grab her bag. “ _ Oh, no, no, no! _ ” Dina thought. How was this turning so bad? Watching Ellie cutting ties, turning her back to the promise of their life together was so painful...

“Hey, stop,” Dina said, reaching for Ellie, cupping her face with her hands. “Hey,” she pleaded. “Hey, come on. We've got a family. She doesn't get to be more important than that.”

“ _ Please, my love, please, _ ” she thought, imploring her partner. Ellie's face remained closed, as she slowly looked up at Dina who could see the resignation in her eyes. For a second she hoped again. But then Ellie placed her hand on hers and started pulling it away. 

“No...” Dina sighed in pain. How could this be happening?

She stepped back and looked away, bringing her hand to her eyes and pinching the bridge of her nose. This couldn't be... there had to be a solution. She couldn't stand the idea of Ellie roaming across half the country again. She had almost died the last time she confronted Abby. She had almost died twice because of this woman... Her instinct told her she had to go too, then. “You go, I go” she'd promised back before Seattle. Still now, it was obvious. If she couldn't let Ellie go off alone, she had to follow her and watch over her. And yet... things were different now, weren't they? They both almost died in Seattle, and she couldn't leave J.J. either. They had to be reasonable... And Ellie was not.

“I'm not gonna do this again,” she heard herself confess. 

Do what again exactly, she didn't know. She couldn't follow Ellie again, she had to resign... But, also, she couldn't imagine waiting for Ellie's return, sick with worry. She had endured this feeling enough in the theater in Seattle to know she wouldn't stand for it. She had not even waited for a whole day back then, and yet she remembered the terror she felt, even once Jesse was there to keep her and Ellie company. She couldn't imagine having to go days, weeks... months? like that, unable to eat or sleep properly, expecting to have to resign, to give all hopes up. And in the end, if something bad happened, she would not even know to stop waiting for her return.

Ellie remained silent for a few seconds. Dina waited, holding onto a hope as thin and fragile as a thread. Terror and solitude already making their way into her heart. Would Ellie finally see reason? Was she really going to leave?

“That's up to you,” Ellie said softly, putting an end to the discussion. 

The thread of hope broke. Dina exhaled a sob, and she heard the wood floor creak and Ellie walk away. The door cruelly banged against its frame. 

For a few seconds Dina did not move, overwhelmed by anger and disbelief. But then, in the corner of her eye, through the window, she saw Ellie's figure outside. She turned her head in her direction and watched her start to jog to the gate, not stopping a single time to look back. She passed the gate and continued jogging on the dirt trail until she was out of sight.

All this time, Dina had always thought that this kind of thing pretty much summed up who Ellie was: once off on a trail, she would never look back. Even during their most difficult patrols around Jackson, she would always move forward. When it came to survival, Ellie would always find her way. And this meant she would leave the past where it was, as it was. In this matter, Dina always thought they were alike. It was this trait of character that had actually allowed them to make it out of Seattle. Dina owed so much to Ellie for that. And yet, she had fooled herself thinking Ellie could get over the grief of Joel's murder, over her haunting grudge for revenge, and probably even over the humiliation of having been saved twice by Joel's torturer.

“Fuck!” Dina shouted, starting to pace her anger and fear out.


	2. Seattle

**_1 year earlier_ **

When she woke up, Dina's face was covered with dust and blood. For a few seconds, she had even thought she'd lost an eye, but then the dry blood cracked and she managed to open it. This was when the pain hit her, irradiating from her shoulder and her forehead, her back and neck totally stiff. She was a mess: she had an arrow planted through her torso and she felt like her face had been ironed with an anvil. After a few minutes of sheer panic, she progressively came to recompose how she had landed into this situation. The pumping of her heart in her ears started to fade little by little until all she could hear around her was the silence of the theater's basement. Not without a few grunts and groans, she carefully rolled on her left side, still having to stop to catch her breath.

“Ellie...,” she whispered in between two breaths as she caught sight of the younger girl, lying on her stomach by her feet, her head turned away, resting on her left arm.

By the look of the marks on the floor, she had attempted to drag herself to Dina but had not made it all the way. Ellie didn't respond to the call. Dina swallowed hard. Was she... She started crawling slowly and carefully toward Ellie.

A shiver ran down her spine when she finally got a glimpse of Ellie's face. She was covered in blood and her upper lip was gashed. Her face rested in a pool of blood. Dark bruises had even started to form on her cheekbones and around her neck. How long had they been out? She raised her valid hand to Ellie's shoulder and shook her slightly. Ellie's arm was soft, and somewhat warm. Dina let go a sigh of relief. 

“Babe,” she whispered again. “Come on, wake up, please...”

At first Ellie didn't move, but then her eyes flew open and she started breathing in noisily, gulping for air, as if raising from the dead. Inevitably, she started coughing loudly. She winced immediately, her throat and her face roughed up by the sudden moves. Dina landed her hand on Ellie's.

“Shh,” she said. “It's ok, just calm down, breathe, it'll pass.”

Ellie nodded and focused on slowing down her breathing. After a couple of minutes, she was breathing calmly. Dina watched her roll onto her back, her right hand pressing against the floor to give herself momentum. She exhaled loudly through her nostrils as she licked her wounded lips. She said softly:

“I'm so sorry, Dina.”

Dina closed her eyes, raising her eyebrows. Now was not the time.

“How do you feel?” Dina asked after a moment.

“Like hell” Ellie groaned. “You?”

“Well... same here,” she scoffed bitterly.

Ellie turned her head to face Dina. Her expression was indecipherable.

“How's your shoulder? Can you move your arm?” She asked, worried.

“Painful,” Dina replied. “But I don't think it's too bad. I'm gonna need your help to remove the arrow though.”

Ellie nodded. She remained silent for a few seconds and brought her left hand over her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“Dina,” she began, a knot in her throat. “I can't move my arm... She twisted it... I don't know if it's broken,” she confessed.

Again Dina did not respond immediately. She looked around them, evaluating the situation. Overall, she thought, they were lucky: they were both alive, and that was a good start. 

“Man...” she sighed. Ellie, surprised, turned her head in her direction. “Do you think we are going to make it out of here? I mean, look at us, we barely have two valid arms between the two of us...” she said jokingly, trying to deflate the tension.

“I'm sorry,” Ellie whispered again, slowly. “It's my fault.” 

Dina shrugged, sending a wave of pain in her shoulder. 

“Feeling sorry won't get us out of here, babe, we need to patch all these wounds first.” She paused hesitantly. “And we need to go check on...”

She couldn't finish her sentence. She'd woken up to the sound gunshots, and carefully worked her way to the lobby, only to find Tommy and Jesse lying on the ground. She hadn't even paused to look closely at them, rushing downstairs to try to save Ellie as she heard the crashes in the basement. Tears rushed to her eyes as an invisible hand squeezed her stomach in a knot. But now wasn't the time, she needed to focus and move on until they were both safe.

“Can you get up?” She asked. She wasn't sure she would be able to herself, but they had to try. They couldn't stay there or they would probably die.

By way of an answer, Ellie lifted her knee and tucked her valid hand under it, using it to pull herself up to a seated position. She paused, visibly feeling dizzy.

“Well, that's a start...” she groaned. “What about you? Can you sit up?”

“I'm gonna try,” Dina grumbled as she pushed herself off the ground to rest on her knees. 

She took a couple of breaths and met Ellie's eyes. “Okay,” she said softly, nodding several times encouragingly. “We've got this.” 

Eventually, they both managed to get on their feet. Climbing the stairs back to the main level took a lot of effort. The banister was a welcome help to keep them both balanced and on their feet. If someone had found them at that moment, covered in blood, groaning, hunched by the effort, their injured limbs swaying lifelessly on their sides, they would have taken them for runners, wasting no time in shooting them on sight. But the theater remained completely silent, save for the buzzing sounds echoing, from time to time, from the radio all the way upstairs. 

Once they reached the backstage room, they quickly gathered their few medical supplies and started taking care of Dina's wound: it was bleeding again. With her valid hand, Ellie carefully tore Dina's shirt to have a look at the gash. She broke off the tail of the arrow and pulled it out of Dina's chest with a quick and neat move. Dina clenched her teeth, letting a sob escape her mouth in spite of her efforts not to let Ellie see how much pain she was provoking. Together, they proceeded to disinfect the gash before bandaging her whole shoulder. It was still painful, but at least she could now use her right arm more freely. 

“Now we take care of your arm,” she stated softly.

She expertly patted Ellie's arm, from the wrist to the elbow, frowning with focus. It was a bit red but not swollen, which was a good sign.

“I always forget you used to take shifts at the infirmary,” she heard Ellie whisper.

“Bet you’re glad now that I used to wipe Jackson's oldest butts,” She replied sarcastically. Ellie let go a small chuckle.

Once, only once had she been asked to take care of Old Jackie. A 92 year old woman who was among the happy few to have survived so long in what the world had become. She sure was nice and Dina had a lot of respect for her, but the experience had actually played a great part in her decision to move on to patrols…

She raised her eyes to Ellie who responded with a quizzing look. She gently caressed her wrist with the flesh of her thumb and shared her diagnosis in a quiet voice: “It's not broken, I think it's just dislocated. Once we put it back in place you'll have to keep your arm still but it should considerably reduce the pain.” 

“O-Okay,” Ellie stuttered while nodding nervously. “How do we do that?”

* * *

“Ready?” Ellie asked Dina, eyes full of anticipation.

Dina took a deep breath.

“Yeah,” she said as she nodded.

They had already taken long enough, yet had not wasted time in putting themselves into a position to handle Tommy and Jesse. Ellie's arm was in a sling they had made out of pieces of costumes they found backstage. Dina even found a new T-shirt. They had quickly cleaned their cuts on their faces, only to discover new bruising and bumps. They looked terrible.

Ellie's shaky hand reached the door knob, pausing hesitantly, her eyes searching the bullet holes in the wood. She turned the door handle and pushed it open.

Dina knew where Jesse's body lay and she didn't find the strength to look in his direction. She had seen earlier his absent gaze and, in the middle of his face, the... 

She focused on Tommy's figure while Ellie squatted by the side of her former boyfriend, checking for vitals. Dina closed her eyes to hold her own tears a little longer when she heard Ellie's shaky sigh. 

She kneeled close to Tommy, carefully grabbing his shoulder to roll him on his side. He had an arrow planted through his knee, and the right side of his face looked horrible... but Dina immediately saw his chest rise and fall.

“Oh, Tommy, thank God!” She exhaled, putting two fingers on the side of his wrist to find a confirming pulse. “Ellie, he's alive!”

* * *

It was not easy to navigate a vehicle so large out of Seattle. The khaki pick-up truck itself was easy to maneuver but some streets were simply too crowded with abandoned cars and debris. Other times, the road would simply cease to exist all of a sudden, forcing them to go back and around some areas. Not to make things easier, Ellie could only use her left hand to steer the wheel. Dina helped as much as she could, but after all the effort she had put since waking in the basement of the theater, her fever was coming back, on and off, forcing her to close her eyes, sometimes knocking out for several minutes. 

They were extremely lucky though: Seattle's streets were almost empty. From what they'd picked up from the radio, the night of Abby's assault, the WLF led an attack against that other group of fanatics -the Scars they called them- only resulting in losing their leaders and disorganizing their group. Both groups maybe? For what they knew, they were halfway through the city, not that far from that south gate, and had only come across a dozen of infected. No WLF, no Scar. The infected had been far enough not to represent a direct threat, so Ellie had kept on driving. The city was kind of peaceful. In their state, they wouldn't have been able to stealth their way out of the city. All the less with Tommy and Jesse...

Dina knew she had to stay awake, because Ellie would not be able to shoot and drive, but she was exhausted. First their excursion out of the theater to get a vehicle and bring it back, then dragging Tommy's still unconscious body into the cargo area, and then... dragging Jesse's dead body there too. All of this had served to drain all of her energy. 

In their current shape, deciding to bring Jesse's body back to Jackson was a gamble. They couldn't resolve to leave him in the theater, but they were aware that if things were to go bad, if forced to lose their vehicle, they'd be forced to leave him in an even more hostile environment. He deserved to be buried in Jackson. Just like Tommy deserved a chance to survive.

Finding the WLF truck had come unexpectedly. They were looking for, hoping for, a small car. But they had come across the truck not even half a mile away from the theater and they didn't hesitate long. They'd quickly removed the two WLF crews, already pinned down to their seats by arrows planted in their chest or neck. A longer look at the vehicle revealed that every light in the back was broken, the windshield was cracked and two windows were broken as well. But there was no flat tire and a tank almost full of gas. Staring at each other in agreement, they'd both seen in this vehicle a chance to bring both Tommy and Jesse back to Jackson. 

The next time Dina woke up, she felt considerably better. She kept her eyes closed a bit. They were still driving: she could hear the humming of the engine and feel the wind on her face. Her hand laid on Ellie's lap. It felt warm. She opened her eyes, only to discover that night was falling. 

“Don't you think we should stop?” She said with a yawn. The stretch she couldn't hold woke the pain in her right shoulder.

“Hey babe!” Ellie responded, realizing she finally had company. She winced slightly as she turned her towards Dina, her neck still getting darker with bruises.

Her look was different, Dina thought. There was a light in her eyes that wasn't there since they had entered Seattle. But then again, she too felt relieved to leave Seattle behind them. They were going home...

“I wanted to put as much distance as possible between us and the city,” Ellie finally said. “But you're right, we should stop.”

“How long ago did we get out of Seattle?” She asked.

She knew they had not left the city early: looking for the car and loading it had used most of their morning and once they started driving slowly through the streets, when the sun had appeared through the never ending clouds, she had seen it was already starting its descent to the west. 

“Hm, about 6 or 7 hours,” she replied. “I stopped several times to siphon tanks. Was hoping to reach Baker City before nightfall. How d'you feel?”

“Better,” Dina admitted.

Ellie got off the main road as they drove past a small town. “Welcome to North Powder” an old rusted sign said. They remained close to the highway, parking the car in a garden. Dina secured the perimeter while Ellie went on a short expedition across the street to find supplies. It wasn't long before they were both fed, and tucked under blankets in the cab. 

“In two days we should be back home,” Ellie said bearing a shy smile.

She kept her eyes closed while her head rested on Dina's lap. She was holding her partner's hand to her stomach, their fingers intertwined.

“I hope Tommy is holding up,” Dina whispered, caressing softly the other's hair.

“Me too...” she eventually heard Ellie mutter, as her breathing slowed.

Dina stayed awake for a long time, her eyes searching the darkness around them, listening carefully to the sounds of the night. Only when the first lights of the sun started tainting the horizon was she able to let her guard down. 


	3. Potato

“Alright, my little goober, time to go to bed!” Dina said with a grunt, lifting J.J. in her arms.

The six-month-old baby was definitely getting heavier every day. He yawned and hugged Dina, resting his head against her shoulder as she started climbing the stairs. She entered the bedroom and placed him in his crib, looking at him fall asleep as she caressed his soft head. Once she was sure he was asleep, she stood up straight slowly, massaging her back. She sat on the edge of the bed, her hand wandering on the mattress and skimming the linen where Ellie would normally sleep. She sighed and stayed there for several minutes in silence, staring at the mattress. 

A crack in the wood of the house snapped her out of her reverie. The wind outside had started to pick up again. She walked downstairs and closed the couple of windows left open. She shivered. This house felt so empty... 

“Oh Ellie...” she sighed, her eyes falling on the guitar in the playing room.

Two days had passed since the other girl left and Dina couldn't help hoping she would soon return. After a few hours, a few days on the road, she would necessarily realize how foolish it was to have left them behind, wouldn't she? Dina couldn't imagine what she would do if Ellie did not return. How was she going to stand waiting like this? 

Ellie was a survivor. Dina considered that if she persisted in going to California she had every reason to make it in one piece to Santa Barbara. Her immunity, she shivered, her thoughts stumbling, her immunity gave her a descent advantage. Months of travel with Joel and later with her had proven her to be a resourceful person. And ever since she had met Ellie, she had always been enthralled by her desire to live. It was as if she had to make every second of her life worth living. The reason behind this, she had finally understood when she listened to Ellie telling her how she had, at the age of 14, waited in vain for death to take her after she had been bitten.

Only, this had been true until that day in March. After that, Ellie's life drive had slowly been replaced by a desperate thirst for revenge. She'd thought the last day in Seattle had played a cathartic role and pulled Ellie out this vicious cycle. Now almost a year after they returned from their excursion after Abby, Dina had thought that the family life they had built together, and later around J.J. was enough to give her a new drive. Evidently, she was proven wrong. 

She knew she should have considered Ellie's crises for what they were: a rejection of what she felt was a desertion of her duty to Joel. But, not counting on Tommy to ruin everything, Dina was convinced Ellie would have made it through. 

Now, hadn't Abby defeated Ellie twice already? The latest mission Ellie had taken on -opting out of her duties to her family- would certainly be the last. In spite of her admiration for Ellie's ferociousness, Dina didn't think Ellie capable of defeating Abby. It was difficult for her to admit it. In other circonstances, she'd thought she was betraying her partner. She tried not to think about it too much: she focused her hopes on the promises that Ellie would reason herself before it was too late. 

She walked to the record-player and rewinded it. A couple of seconds later, the first notes from the Crooked Still record started to play quietly. She closed her eyes, and could not help dancing slowly, hugging herself, remembering the night Ellie and her first kissed. Tears ran down her cheeks, she let them fall. The loneliness of the past few days made her feel like her whole chest was swallowed into a black hole, anchored in her heart.

When the song ended, she stopped, letting a sob go and slowly rubbed the tears from her eyes. She remained silent for a few minutes, lost in her thoughts.

Eventually, she heard J.J. starting to cry upstairs. It snapped her out of her revery. She shook her head and planted her fists onto her hips. She exhaled deeply, her breath steadier. J.J.… She couldn't let herself be like this, she had to move on.

“Okay, Dina,” she said to herself. “Tomorrow's another day!”

She climbed the stairs and, after softly singing her baby back to sleep, she herself laid in bed, her arm reaching out for Ellie's pillow as she fell into unconsciousness.

* * *

Later that night, she woke up to the sound of a rattle outside. She frowned, sitting up in her bed. A dim light filled the room as the moon shone outside. She peered through the window and caught sight of what was causing the noise. She grabbed a long sleeve shirt and a pair of gloves and headed to the porch. A gust of wind was drawing angry waves in the field of wild oat. She grabbed the machete hanging by the wall and walked towards the fence. 

She stopped about ten feet away from it. Her heart had skipped a beat: for a second, she'd thought the figure entangled in the fence was Ellie's. It was her size, her height... But the figure was groaning inhumane sounds, covered with blood. Dina shook her head: Ellie was immune.

She closed the space to the fence and mercilessly planted the machete's blade through the runners neck. 

“You got pretty close,” she said to the corpse, pushing it away through the wire before wiping the blade in the grass. The wind was whipping her hair into her face. She looked around to the rest of the fence, wondering if any more infected roamed around the perimeter. She didn't see anything.

* * *

It happened again four days later. This time it was during the day: two infected showed up to the West side of the fence, down the sheep's yard. She shot them with her rifle from the garden. 

They’d had infected in the area before. Jackson's patrollers were only sweeping the perimeter once a month which, depending on the period, was not always enough to get rid of the lot of them. The rest, they would normally take care of, Dina and Ellie taking turns every week. With Ellie's departure almost a week ago, it was soon going to be two weeks without a sweep. They were only going to continue popping up from time to time. 

This was one more item added to the list of worries in Dina's mind. Ellie had left for several days once before, when Jackson requested a labor force to replace part of the defensive wall. A whole section had collapsed after the cold winter they had endured this year. It was two months after they had moved to the farm. “Barely a month and a half ago,” she thought. But back then, Dina had received more frequent visits, and Jesse's mother had even spent two days with her during Ellie's absence. It was different this time. She couldn't ask anyone from Jackson to come and replace Ellie.

She couldn't leave J.J. on his own either. He was way too young for that, not even mentioning the fact that she could not, would not take the risk of making him an orphan. 

Between taking care of the sheep and the domestic chores, on top of J.J., her days were rather packed. It left very little room, no room actually, to patrol around the farm anyway. At least food wasn't a concern: the garden was growing full of tomatoes and zucchini and she had the milk from the sheep. Yet, she worried this situation would suddenly shift out of control, putting herself and J.J., putting her family in danger. 

“Ellie, what were you thinking leaving us alone like this?” Dina muttered angrily as she considered the situation. 

As days passed, she could feel a cold anger growing in the back of her head. The despairing realization that she couldn't safely stay in her own home without Ellie, the humiliation of having been left behind, the exhaustion from a week of restless sleep… her anger grew in spite of her love. Feeding from the violation of the trust she had placed in Ellie. She tried to shut the feeling out, but after the sixth day, it didn't really leave her anymore. 

* * *

Dina was sitting on the porch, rocking on a chair with a calmed baby in her arms when Jackson's ranger showed up at the gate. With more people moving into farms around the city, Maria had decided to create a unit of countryside rangers, in charge of watching over the most distant Jackson citizens and bringing support if needed. 

The young man passed the gate when Dina waved at him, guiding his horse to the edge of the porch.

“Hi, Dina,” he said bowing his hat before climbing down from his horse and attaching him to the loop in the handrail. Something in his demeanor sometimes reminded her of Jesse.

“Hello, Dean,” Dina replied with a smile, welcoming the company. “What brings you here? I thought you weren't coming back before next week?”

He leaned against the banister.

“Spotted several infected on my way here,” he said, without responding, rubbing drops of sweat from his face. “Everything good?”

“Hm, yeah,” she said enigmatically. “I find they're more numerous these days.”

He cocked an eyebrow. Dean was young, about Dina's age. They didn't really know each other because he was part of a group who came into town a month before she gave birth to J.J., at which point Ellie and her had focused on preparing for the arrival of the baby and their moving to the farm. He had been appointed to the rangers unit since it was created. Which meant he visited them every three weeks, bringing them mail and news from the town.

“I could actually use your help with that,” Dina said after a short pause. “If you don't mind.”

It took Dean three hours to patrol around the farm. When he came back, he knocked on the door before walking inside. 

“I'm over here!” Dina shouted from her desk.

She was watching J.J. play with a bright colored wood car on the other side of the room. During Dean's absence, she had taken the time to seriously consider her options for the future. Should she stay in the farm or go back to Jackson? She had just finished reading Robin's last letter when she heard Dean coming back. She heard his footsteps approaching her room before he appeared in the frame of the door, leaning against it.

“Well, I got 5 runners and a clicker!” He said proudly. He then gestured to the porch and added: “Also caught a rabbit. Figured it'd be welcome. It's outside.”

“Oh thanks, Dean, that's sweet.”

She got on her feet and led Dean to the couch in the living room where he sat while she went to the kitchen to pour herbal tea in cups for them to share. They stayed silent for a few minutes sitting in the couch and armchair, both sipping their tea.

“So...” Dean started after a while, hesitant. He finally asked, “Where's Ellie? She good?”

Dina frowned seeing how the young ranger nervously chewed his lower lip, looking away.

“She... em,” she said, clearing her throat. “She's gone.” She stated with a shrug. It was the first time she said it aloud. It didn't make it feel any more real. But the news didn't seem to surprise Dean. She suspiciously cocked an eyebrow at him. Did he know anything? Had he met Ellie since she left?

He nodded several times.

“O-Okay,” he said, pursing his lips still avoiding her look.

Dina squinted. What was this about?

“Did...” she started. “Did you know?” 

And then it clicked. 

“Did Tommy send you here?” She asked, her voice ending on a high note as she felt a ball of anger about to burst in her chest. The thought of Joel's brother unnerved her.

He nervously patted the arm of the couch with the flat of his hand before staring back at Dina.

“Yeah,” he exhaled, uncomfortable.

She scoffed and shook her head in disbelief.

“So what? He sent you here to make sure Ellie fell for his little mind game?” She asked angrily.

“No,” he started. “I mean... maybe. But I came because I was worried for you and I thought you might need help.”

“Jeez!” She grunted as she rose from the chair and started pacing, infuriated.

Dean fell silent again. She leaned against the wall and pinched her lips with her hand, trying to calm down silently. 

She clicked her tongue, resignated, and took a deep breath. 

“Okay,” she whispered and then looked out at Dean before she added: “This actually makes my request easier to explain.” 


	4. The Farm

She had never found it so hard to move on in the past. A part of her still could not believe that Ellie was gone, that she was not going to simply return at the end of the day, carrying the bleeding carcass of a deer she had spent the day hunting, apologizing for having taken so long but thrilled that she was bringing so much food back to her family. They would have spent the night chopping it up by the fireplace in the garden, smoking the meat like they were taught in Jackson, stocking it for later use. 

But Ellie was gone.

Her baby  should have been reason enough  for Dina to focus on the future . On  his future, with her.  Both Dina and Ellie knew how precious -and rare- it was to have parents. Yet, Dina’s heart and reason were fighting a merciless battle in her head. Ellie having left so abruptly, she had taken with her any chance of closure. Which for Dina, now, meant that she had to struggle with her own feelings and resentment.

Sometimes over the past few days, she had felt like she could do without the other woman. Either her anger after Ellie, or her sense of survival would take over in her heart and so she would believe she had no reason to wait for Ellie, and every reason to look right to the future. At other times, the light hitting a certain room she had just walked in, a subtle scent from the outside adventuring indoors, or a game she would play with J.J. would remind her of moments spent with Ellie. Her heart would clench painfully, leaving her almost breathless as a knot formed in her throat. In these moments, she felt like the only thing she had the strength to do was to roll in a ball, hugging her knees against herself and sob, until Ellie returned. 

Most of the time, she would try to keep her mind busy to avoid these thoughts. She wasn't sure she wanted to definitely close Ellie's chapter, but sinking down into the murky waters of depression was simply not an option. She was sure J.J. couldn’t control the random, tearfilled outbursts when Dina would hand him Ollie or lift him from the crib after his afternoon nap. But for him, she could put on a strong front. She could be strong for him. Because of him. 

Avoiding things was not her strong suit though. Yes, it would give her a sense of normalcy, but it did not derive her from the feeling that she was waiting. Constantly, vainly, waiting. 

When she was cooking or putting J.J. to sleep in his crib, she couldn't help expecting Ellie's warm arms to wrap around her waist while soft kisses landed on the back of her neck. At times, when this happened in the past, she would push Ellie away after a loving embrace, both laughing happily at the silliness of their love. Other times, the hug would last longer, turning into passionate sighs as their hands, tongues and lips became adventurous. 

* * *

She spent two days packing her belongings. She made it clinical, grabbing something, dropping it in a box or a crate, grabbing the next item, dropping it, and on and on. Disassociating from the very act of removing herself. 

She emptied her desk first, putting away her weaving material, the embroideries she had made during her pregnancy as well as all of the souvenirs she kept with her from her life before Jackson and before Ellie. She put away everything they kept in the shelves and cabinets, simply sorting what was hers and what wasn’t. She would work carrying J.J. in his carrier or letting him play with his toys next to her.  Clothes, books, plates, electronics... Everything found a place in the boxes.

Once all the shelves and closets were empty, she proceeded to take down the paintings. She would not take them. They were Ellie’s. They belonged to their life in the farmhouse. She would leave them in the house, like the rest of Ellie’s belongings.  If Ellie were to come back, she would have everything here.  Dina even left a pair of sheets for the bed. “ _ Just in case _ ,” she thought.

On the other hand, if she didn't come back, well... She hated having to think of it. But they lived in a world where death was so common. Jackson had offered them the impression that it was possible to build a life no longer turned toward survival only, but it could not erase years of growing up seeing loved ones brutally disappearing from their lives. 

She opted to leave Ellie's belongings and the paintings in the  art room, where most of Ellie’s stuff was stored already . She approached the door with anticipation: she hadn't been in there since Ellie left. 

“Ten days already,” she sighed. 

The room was filled with Ellie's scent.  She didn’t expect it, hadn’t prepared herself for that. She breathed in deeply, closing her eyes, overwhelmed by the memories . For a second, she felt like her broken heart had been made whole. She felt home again, surrounded in Ellie’s scent, her arms, her love. Slowly, she opened her eyes to the harsh reality she wasn’t sure she would ever truly be ready to face.

“I miss you, El,” she whispered , caressing the edge of the table with the tip of her fingers. 

She looked at her own portrait on the easel. A small smile appeared on her lips as the memory resurfaced. The day Ellie finished that painting, not so long ago...

\--

Her neck was painful from having stayed still for so long. When Ellie, traces of green painting covering her forehead, allowed her to relax, she immediately stood up from the stool. Exhaling loudly as she stretched, exaggerating.

“I think I'm too old for this kind of thing.” She stated, jokingly, looking at Ellie who placed a few last strokes on the canvas , her beige apron tied neatly around her slender waist. “Can I see?”

“I dunno. Can you?” Ellie replied, playfully, looking up at her model.

“Oh? You're keeping my face a secret, now? Is it that bad?”

Ellie grimaced and put down her brush . Dina watched her walk towards her, sigh and cup her face with her dirty hands . The pressure of Ellie’s hips against hers sent a spark racing up her whole body, and she placed her hands, almost as a reflex, on her partner’s lower back, cupping her cheeks as well. 

“Babe,” Ellie whispered, her voice full of consternation, “you know, these days, you  _ do _ look terrible...”

She caressed her cheek softly, her eyes searching for Dina's who gasped with surprise , raising her eyebrows . She blinked several times, a  quizzical smile on her lips, waiting for an explanation. 

“I mean...” Ellie continued, sighing and resting her forehead against her girlfriend's after planting a light kiss on her lips. 

“With all this... green complexion...” She finally added, now frankly rubbing her paint covered thumbs on Dina's cheeks as she started laughing.

Dina slapped Ellie's hand off her face, faking an offended look before joining Ellie in her laughter. She pushed Ellie back gently as a form of retaliation. But Ellie grabbed her wrist and pulled the brunette to her arms, leaning against the edge of her desk. They kissed, still laughing.

“I love you.” Ellie said seriously when they broke apart. “And you're the most beautiful woman I've ever met.”

“Hm...” Dina moaned with a smile, locking her arms around Ellie's neck. “That's much better.”

\--

Dina bit her lip to the memory. Ellie had made sure she'd made up to her for the joke before they left the room. They'd both needed a good shower after that, to remove the paint... and the rest... 

“I'm taking you both with me.” She stated to her and J.J.'s portraits.

As soon as she left the room, the scent vanished and the weight of solitude came crashing down on Dina’s chest once again. She carried the paintings out of the room and placed them downstairs against her own boxes  without looking at them again .

Then, bringing her nerves to a breaking point, she proceeded to transfer Ellie’s boxes into the art room. Each time feeling enveloped by the warm and comforting smell, only to be stripped off naked everytime she left the room. 

She put everything on the desk, stacking the boxes where she found room. The record-player was Ellie’s, she left all the records there too. Last, she carried in the guitar . She placed it down on the floor, opened the case and looked at the guitar. Her fingers playfully pinched the strings, producing disharmonious notes. There must have been magic in Ellie’s fingers, for when she seemed to be stroking random strings, it was always a melody-like stream of notes that would come out of it.

Dina sighed and closed the guitar case, a bit stronger then she intended. She looked at the records in the box and grabbed two that best described the unspoken sentiments she wished she could convey to Ellie. Wherever she was by now... Their Crooked Still album bore so many memories: they had listened to it countless times, even before Dina decided to finally put an end to their not always low-key flirtatious teasing. But these times seemed behind her now, Ellie had broken her heart. She slid her own album of Lindsay Ell’s Heartbreaker Tour under the other record. A maybe not so subtle message passed on to Ellie. She had been thinking of these songs. She couldn’t help wondering if Ellie was  _ worth the wait _ ? Because she was pushing her heart beyond itself, way past what she thought it could take.

She stood up and looked around her.  She felt like she had been filling a tomb: if Ellie were to never come back, may this room be where her soul finds a home, she thought. She would leave the window open. She took a few minutes before leaving the room, sending a silent prayer to the girl.

* * *

Dean came back at the end of the same evening. He arrived with a horse-drawn cart and his younger brother, Marcus. It was the first time Dina and him met. Even at about age 15, he seemed much bolder than his older brother but they had the same radiant smile . 

Together, the three of them loaded the cart with Dina's boxes, leaving most of the furniture, except for the crib, for a later trip. J.J. looked at them amused from a little playground Dina had set up to be able to look after him while transporting the boxes.

They made a trip through the garden to bring the ripest vegetables back to the city and fed the sheep who would stay a couple of days on their own.

Overall, it took them barely more than an hour. Dina wrapped J.J. in his carrier and eventually hopped on the cart. Marcus led the horse out of the property, Dean walking next to the cart until he closed the gate behind them. Dina stared at the farm silently as they rode away.

\--

Living on a farm was her dream, but she hadn’t forced Ellie into it. It was actually Ellie who found the farmhouse. 

At that time, Dina had been living in a small house on the other side of the cemetery. On the year of her nineteenth birthday, she had moved out of the dorm-like group of houses where she used to share a flat with another orphan kid , wishing to have more independence. Since their return from Seattle, Ellie had moved in with her, unable to keep sleeping and living by Joel’s old house.

A few weeks after Ellie moved in, she disappeared on a day-long trip away from Jackson.  She had refused to give a motive and simply left Dina with the promise that she would be back before dusk. 

When she returned, she was ecstatic. She covered Dina’s eyes with her hands leading her to the kitchen,  where Dina discovered Ellie’s easel. It was standing in the middle of the room, a large drawing  set upon it : with bold black outlines, it pictured the white body of a farmhouse over a pale, clouded, blue sky, sunk in the middle of a golden field of wheat. A large leafless tree rooted next to one of its corners and she could see the silhouettes of pine trees on the horizon. 

“What d’you think?” Ellie whispered in Dina’s ear, her warm breath provoking goose bumps in Dina’s neck. “I found it out there, kinda waiting for us.”

“The drawing?” Dina replied jokingly, turning her head towards Ellie. 

Ellie simply scoffed and pointed at the image with her chin, nervously shoving her hands in her pockets. Without responding to Ellie, Dina took the thick paper and studied it closely. She liked the drawing. The farm looked peaceful. 

“S’big enough for three,” she heard Ellie mutter after a while. 

“Oh!” Dina simply said, taken aback. They hadn’t ever talked about that project again. 

They stared at each other, Ellie bearing an expectant look while a smile was growing on Dina’s face. She remembered fondly the soreness in her cheeks that evening, because she had smiled so much. 

\--

After all the effort they had put into rebuilding the farm, Dina couldn’t help feeling like a coward for leaving her home. She knew she would miss it, but she didn’t have the choice. It was a matter of survival. She couldn’t risk J.J.’s life staying alone in Wyoming’s wild countryside.

* * *

The farmhouse was  situated  about ten miles away from Jackson.  The distance could be covered within three hours by foot -if one was not slowed down on the way by infected,  that is .  Some folks were bolder and had decided to settle much further from the city. With a young baby  to look after and ties in the city, Ellie had mindfully chosen a site at a convenient distance: close enough to Jackson for visits -and electricity, but far enough for them to build a real self-sufficient farm life there. 

The journey to Jackson took nearly two hours because of the cart. Dean and Marcus had spent the trip either telling stories from the city or singing while looking out for any danger on the way. 

The sun was  setting the western horizon on fire by the time they reached the gate. “The sunset must be wonderful from the porch,” Dina thought to herself. Being in the valley,  Jackson did not have such phenomenal vantage points.

J.J. seemed to wake up as the cart stopped. He had dozed off almost as soon as  they started rolling. He yawned and started playing with Dina's loose hair. She stroked his head softly.

“Hey, goober!” She whispered to him with a smile. “It’s about time for a change of scenery, don’t you think?” 

J.J. looked up at her fondly, drool from his nap glistening on his chin. She knew he had no idea what she was talking about, but she wanted her son to know she had made this decision out of love for him 


	5. Jackson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update took so long!  
> I've started working on the sequel to this story and I had to make several readjustements in this chapter and in the last one!

**_1 year before_ **

What woke her up was the smell. It was different. Different from what she remembered. When she had fallen asleep, the darkness of the night enveloped them, the rising sun tainting the horizon with only a thin line of orange and green. The hot, late Spring afternoon had left traces of dry herbs in the air until very late in the night. The humidity rising from the ground was progressively covering the smell with that of the after-rain Summer ground. It was dim and comforting.

But those smells were gone now.

Dina frowned, keeping her eyes closed, not fully awake yet. She felt wrapped in something soft and warm. Something her body had been aching for weeks: a bed. A clean bed. There was a light perfume of fresh soap emanating from the blanket around her, but also the dull and dusty smell of an interior space.

Could she be back in Jackson already? The realization made her open her eyes suddenly. The light sent a painful signal to her brain and forced her to squeeze her eyes shut almost immediately. She tried again after the spots in front of her eyelids faded, although this time more slowly, and blinked several times as her retina adjusted to the brightness of the room.

Where was she?

She tried to sit up but the attempted movement sent a wave of pain to her shoulder. She looked at it: it was wrapped in a clean bandage. “ _Alright,_ ” she thought, “ _that’s a good sign._ ” She squinted and peered through the window several feet away from her bed. She could make out the outline of the snow-capped summits that she had looked at so many times ever since she had arrived in Jackson. She exhaled loudly with relief, lying back down. So she was home after all...

How did this happen? Last she remembered she was falling asleep in that car in North Powder, still a good 500 miles away from home. At least two days worth of travel if everything had gone as planned. But she did not remember any of it. She raised her left hand to her forehead. It felt sore and she realized she had a bandage there too.

She looked around her. Was there any sign of Tommy or Ellie? If she was back in Jackson, surely they must be too.

A drawn curtain on her right side blocked the view, but she could see three more beds to her left. She started to recognize the place. She was in Jackson's clinic. When she used to take shifts there, back in the day, before she even started patrolling around the city, she had sometimes been appointed to looking after the patients in this area of the building. They would keep lightly injured people in there, or the ones who were at the end of their remission. “ _Another good sign, I guess_ ” she told herself.

Two of the beds were empty, the last one wasn’t.

She lifted herself up again, grunting with the effort she put into sparing her shoulder. She could not see who was in the bed, but it sure did not look like Ellie or Tommy. The shape under the blanket just didn’t seem right. She let herself sink down into the mattress again with a snort. She felt exhausted. The little efforts had actually drained all her energy and, without even realizing it, she slipped back into unconsciousness.

When she woke up again, it took her a couple of seconds to recompose her conclusions from earlier. Jackson, infirmary, no sign of Ellie and Tommy. The light outside was dimmer: night would fall within the hour. She had been asleep most of the day.

She was about to try to lift herself up again, hoping to find more clues now that she felt rested, when she noticed a heavy weight pressing her hand down into the mattress. She peered down at it, confused, but was soon smiling widely: Ellie.

The younger girl was sitting in a chair next to Dina’s bed. Her head rested on her uninjured arm, her hand clasping Dinas’s. She was asleep. Dina studied her silently, too happy to see her to wake her up. Her other arm was still trapped in a sling, except it was a real sling now. Her nose was covered with a bandage -the kind she had seen Henry get two years ago after he broke his nose falling head first from the kids’ playground. The cuts on her face looked a bit better but still angry.

Dina carefully raised her right arm and brought her hand to Ellie’s face, brushing a few strands away. She caressed Ellie’s cheek and waited a few moments before calling softly.

“Hey...” Her voice sounded a bit croaky. “Ellie?”

The caresses and whispers eventually woke Ellie from her slumber. She blinked several times, frowning and taking in a long, sleepy breath. Finally noticing her patient was awake, she looked at Dina and smiled, squeezing her hand gently. She straightened up, revealing her neck to Dina who could not refrain a grimace: those bruises looked even worse in the dying light of the evening.

“Hey! Happy to see you too,” Ellie replied with a smirk, stretching her left arm.

They stared at each other silently, content with soaking in the other’s smile, interlaced fingers providing a source of relief at the other’s presence. “So...,” Dina began before clearing her throat. “We made it back to Jackson…” She said.

It wasn’t really a question. An observation rather. Ellie nodded.

“Yea, we did,” she said, softly.

“How… ?” Dina asked, still confused from her blackout.

Ellie lowered her gaze and began fidgeting with Dina’s fingers. She took a deep breath and started explaining:

“I rushed back to Jackson. Barely stopped after North Powder, unless it was necessary. For gas mainly. I made it here in a day, in the middle of the night. I don't know much ‘bout what happened after.”

She paused, looking for her words. Dina remained silent, letting Ellie find her own pace.

“Maria said that, by the time the guys watching the gate made it down to the car, I was already passed out. Woke in a bed like yours yesterday morning. They forced me to stay down the whole day.”

She sighed, shaking her head. She looked for Dina's eyes with emotion and continued:

“I... I got so scared I would lose you both...” She swallowed. “Tommy was... well, he was still in the same state as you last saw. But _you_ ... You scared me. When I woke up that morning in North Powder, you were burning. I tried to wake you up, but you were completely delirious. It couldn't do anything to help you, so I... I just rushed back to Jackson, hoping I'd make it in time...”

Dina could see tears begin to form in the corners of Ellie’s eyes. She squeezed her hand and bit her lips, she didn’t like to think she had caused so much anxiety for Ellie. She couldn’t imagine how hard the ride back must have been: three of her closest friends dead or dying in the passenger seats while Ellie, suffering from god-knows-what injuries herself, drove for hours, teetering on the brink of exhaustion to give them all a chance to survive.

Before she could say anything, footsteps made Ellie look up to the space behind the curtain on her right. Dina turned her head and saw a pale hand pushing aside the curtain and revealing Roxanne, the physician and unofficial doctor within Jackson’s infirmary.

Dina smiled at her. They were not exactly friends, but Roxanne had taught her a great deal of things that had come in handy. She had spent her first year in Jackson helping out at the infirmary so she truly trusted the older woman.

“Hello Dina, I’m glad to see you awake,” Roxanne said with a warm smile.

“Hi, Doc!” She responded, trying to sound as cheerful as she would normally. The truth was she still felt dizzy, like she had been feeling ever since her and Ellie had barely escaped Seattle’s metro station. She could feel cold sweat starting to form on her temples.

“How do you feel?”

Dina shrugged and, without realizing it, brought her hand to her stomach. The two other women noticed it. Ellie covered Dina’s hand supportively while Roxanne simply let out an understanding “Ah!”. It made Dina feel self-conscious: not that she was the shy type -really, she usually didn’t mind the attention- but she was still working her way around the idea of her pregnancy and what it meant for her.

Roxanne sat next to her, dragging a stool from behind the curtain. She started manipulating Dina’s body, checking her temperature, the rate of her heartbeat, if it hurt here or there… Running through the checklist of steps Dina had witnessed her doing for countless other patients while she assisted her.

Ellie stayed next to her, needing to know first hand if Dina was safe and would be okay. Dina felt reassured by her presence.

“Alright! Everything seems fine on your end, Dina.” Roxanne concluded with a soft voice, much to Ellie and Dina’s relief. “I’ll have to keep you here until your shoulder heals more, and I’ll need to run additional tests tomorrow to make sure your baby is okay.”

She stood up and looked at Ellie before she added:

“You can stay here a bit, but she needs to rest. I’ll be tending to Tommy so you know where to find me.”

At the sound of his name, Dina flinched, her chest suddenly heavy. But Ellie didn’t seem to react. She simply nodded and watched the doctor walk away.

“How is he doing?” Dina asked, her voice wavering.

Ellie bit her lower lip and stared at Dina silently.

“At least you’re doing okay,” she finally said with a forced smile.

She slowly stood up from her chair and leaned to kiss Dina.

“I’ll go see him,” she whispered, retreating.

Dina didn’t want her to go, already feeling Ellie’s absence, but keeping it to herself. She needed to know how Tommy was holding up. She let Ellie leave the room, following her with her eyes, fighting the urge to beg her to stay by her side.

* * *

Dina stayed pinned down to her infirmary bed the entire following week. Every day Roxanne would visit her, either examining the progression of her recovery or simply keeping her company during a break when Ellie wasn’t lounging by her bedside. Which was actually not that often. Dina tried in vain to force Ellie to rest and stop spending her days in a chair. But the younger girl proved herself hopelessly stubborn. Some things never change...

On the third day, she received a visit she had not readied herself for. Not that she thought she would ever feel ready for it.

She was alone in the room, keeping her mind busy in order to avoid dwelling on the past few weeks: by lack of other means, she had resigned to reading comic books Ellie had mischievously forced on her: after years of trying to get Dina to stare at one of her comics, of course she wouldn’t miss this once-in-a-lifetime chance.

A knock on the door snapped her back to reality. At that point, she was the only one to occupy the room. She had already received a few visits from Maria as well as from a couple of former patrol partners and friends. Whoever had just knocked came to visit her, and she knew it wasn’t Ellie or Roxanne: they didn’t need to announce themselves.

“Yes?” she called.

She heard the creek of the door as it opened and the footsteps approaching. Then, she fell quiet.

She watched Jesse’s parents, Robin and Michelle, coming closer to her bed. Dina’s face was blank: no smile, no grimace, nothing. She could have felt either happy, or terrified, or even both. But no, there was simply nothing. The same way her body had frozen, so had her mind.

She witnessed them both taking a seat by the side of her bed, and forcing smiles on their faces that never reached their eyes. She heard their voices as they greeted her. But she failed to respond in any way, barely registering the information.

One word. One word filled her mind as she watched their lips move, and yet she remained unresponsive. “ _Sorry,_ ” she thought. “ _I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry…_ ” How could she possibly find a way to express that? She wanted to let the words burst out of her chest but they were stuck there. They clung to her ribs and barricaded her lungs, refusing to budge despite Dina’s attempts. She wet her lips and tried to swallow, but the words hung there, suspended, starving her body for oxygen.

It wasn’t just the guilt of being partly responsible for their son’s death, their only son.

It wasn’t just the grief she could read in their tired, lifeless eyes.

It was… that their presence here by her side suddenly made Jesse’s absence real. She realized that she had acknowledged his death -how could she not?- but she hadn’t yet registered it. And suddenly the reality of it fell upon her. Suddenly she realized what the loss of his life meant, for her -her friend-, for them -their son-, for the community in Jackson… She felt guilty to have made it out of Seattle without him by her side.

And eventually it found a way out. She started to breathe again when the first tears fell from her eyes. They didn’t stop. She cried, hiding her face with her hands, shaking at every sob. The pain in her shoulder didn’t matter anymore. As the tears left her body, it started to feel easier to let the words out.

“I’m sorry!” she said. “I’m so sorry…”

She felt their arms around her, their reassuring whispers, their own tears.

They didn’t talk much after that. Dina realized that, just like she hadn’t prepared herself for their visit, they hadn’t either. They had come to visit her, maybe as a sort of obligation, or by lack of a better thing to do to honor Jesse’s sacrifice. The intensity of their reunion left the three of them silent. Even when Dina felt calmer, they continued holding her hand and hugging each other. They squeezed it one last time before they rose from their chair.

Dina followed them to the door with her eyes. Robin pressed the handle down and opened the door, but before they could step out, Dina cried hastily:

“I’m pregnant!”

They stopped and turned back to face her, confused.

“With him.” She added.

It was too soon. Too early to know if she would even bring the baby to term. But the glimmer of hope she saw in their eyes as she spoke convinced her that she had made the right decision to tell them. They smiled, this time with their eyes too, nodded and walked out.

* * *

“Tommy’s awake.” Said Ellie as she opened the door.

She sounded short of breath as if she had run. Or was preventing herself from saying more.

Dina jolted on her bed and clumsily rose to her feet to meet Ellie in the middle of the room.

She had started taking a few steps around her bed that same morning, taking breaks often, getting used to being vertical again. It still caused her head to ache and dizziness to set in, but it was getting better. “How is he?” Dina asked, grabbing Ellie’s hands, both for balance and comfort.

The taller girl looked away and shrugged, which made Dina frown. Ellie seemed very shaken by the old man’s state. Not that she had expected her to be all smiles and laughter once he woke up, but she didn't think she'd be so grave.

“Did you talk to him?” She asked, trying to understand the taller girl’s reaction.

“Yea,” she sighed and finally looked at her. “I did.”

Dina stared at Ellie, cupping her face with one hand. It didn’t seem like it had been a merry reunion…

“Can you take me to him?”

With Dina holding Ellie’s good arm, they slowly proceeded to the end of the corridor, stopping in front of the last room’s door.

“Go inside, I’ll stay here.” Ellie said, looking away.

“Okay…” She replied with a light frown.

She could easily imagine Ellie feeling responsible for Tommy and what happened to them in the theater. But she didn’t understand why it had her this troubled. She brought Ellie’s hand to her mouth and kissed her palm before she let go and knocked at the door.

“Hi, Tommy.”

“Hey! Dina!”

Dina smiled broadly. With Ellie’s mood, she had entered the room filled with worry, expecting to see a dying Tommy on the clinic bed. But it was nothing like that. Yes, his face was half covered by a bandage that extended over one eye. Yes, his left leg was bound and elevated, and she had seen enough of his knee to know the wound there was no joke. And yes, he was as pale as the sheets he lay in. But at least he was awake and it was a great improvement! His face lit up with a genuine smile as if her mere presence brought him one of the best news he had received ever since waking up. Which, really, could be very likely. He opened his arms, inviting her in for an embrace.

They chuckled, when they both asked simultaneously “How’re you doing?” And they both grunted by way of answering: they had seen better days.

It was good to see him though. They chatted as lightly as possible, complaining about their wounds, comparing their future scars. Dina made an effort not to linger too much on the topic of Seattle. She didn't see such a conversation leading anywhere good for the moment. If Ellie hadn’t already, they would have plenty of time later to tell him what happened while he was unconscious. They only ever mentioned Jesse because Tommy, nodding to her stomach, asked her again how she was doing. And once again, she brought her hand to her stomach, a gesture she would do again and again in the months to come. She simply smiled with a shrug:

“So far, so good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I have read any take on how Tommy, Dina and Ellie traveled back to Jackson. I'd be curious to know what you guys think!


	6. Ellie

The gates opened and Marcus led the cart inside the walls of the city. He stopped a few yards in as the gates were closed by two of the watchmen. Dina felt uncomfortable for a moment: none of the people gathered in the gate area looked at her and it felt suspicious. As if they purposefully avoided looking in her direction. As quickly as it came, the feeling faded, and Dina was left shaking her head at the baseless notion she had entertained. 

"Need help?" Dean asked, offering a hand.

She grabbed it and carefully climbed down the cart. She looked around her, caressing J.J.'s hair. 

"D'you recognize any of it, little spud?" She whispered to him. 

It wasn't that long since she had last visited Jackson. But this time, it felt different. Different from when she first arrived in the city, a lost teenager looking for a shelter and a home; and different from the last time she went through these gates, a simple visitor, her home being somewhere else. 

She sighed. 

So, she was _actually_ back. 

She didn't hate Jackson, quite the opposite. She had loved the life there, the social interaction, the liveliness of the streets -day and night, the laughter from younger and older Jackson dwellers. But she had also dreamt of building her own home. Her own rules, her own walls, her own family. 

Being back in Jackson had a bitter taste. 

She walked with Dean alongside the cart as Marcus drove past the stables onto the main street. They turned on several streets, heading to the heart of Jackson's residential zone, and there it was. Jesse's parents' house. 

Among the arrangements she had made with Dean, one was to make sure Jesse's parents agreed to host her while she found a new house. She knew they would offer her their hospitality -they'd offered it so many times already, trying to convince her to come back within the safe walls of the city- and she knew she would need a few days to negotiate with Maria. She wanted to see if there was any chance she could have her old place back. 

Dean and Marcus stopped at the fence in front of the house and let Dina walk the last few steps to the door. She knocked and the door immediately swung open to a smiling Michelle. She extended her arms for a hug and Dina complied. 

"Hi, Michelle."

"Hello, my dear Dina," the older woman said, planting a noisy kiss on her cheek.

She called out to Robin, shouting his name from the threshold, and walked over to Dean and Marcus, giving them a thankful hug. After Robin made an appearance and greeted everybody, they proceeded to unload the cart into the shed, in the garden. 

After a quick yet restorative dinner, Dean and Marcus waved their goodbyes and Dina found herself sitting on the couch, J.J. playing on Robin's lap, while they drank a warm tea together. They talked lightly. They didn't pry as to why Dina decided to move back into the city. She appreciated their efforts to make her feel comfortable. 

It was a good thing she hadn't known Jesse while he still lived with his parents, because she would have hated having memories attached to the four walls of the bedroom she now was occupying with J.J. She had seen several pictures of him downstairs in the living room, but by chance there were no traces of him in the room. She knew though that it used to be the room in which he spent his last years as a teenager. It made her feel uncomfortable: she didn't want to feel like she was taking his place. She promised herself that she would move into her own place as quickly as possible. She stared at the ceiling for a long time that night, J.J. fast asleep by her side. 

What next?

She'd found peace and solace in her life at the farm. Even if she had been overwhelmed by it since Ellie left, she had loved the simplicity of the chores there. How everything she did mattered and brought her something. In Jackson, it was different. You did things to contribute to the community, whether or not you directly benefited from the fruit of your labor. It was good too, but it was different.

Now that she was back, she considered her options: patrols being out of question now that she had J.J., where could she volunteer? There were plenty of things to help with in Jackson since the city kept growing. But which rotations would she feel excited to wake up for in the morning? Where would her skills be the most useful… and what would keep her mind engaged, learning new things? She liked to think that there was something to learn from every situation, but at the moment she really felt she needed to take it easy. She wouldn't challenge herself, like she had done in the past. She fell asleep imagining herself in every possible role she could think of in Jackson. 

She didn't wait for Maria to come to her. The next day, bright and early, after entrusting J.J. to his grandmother and washing, she headed to Maria's office on the other side of town. 

She had to wait outside for a solid half hour before it was her turn. It gave her ample time to regret not having eaten anything before she left, too eager to bounce to the next step of her moving back into Jackson. 

"Hi Dina, good to see you," Maria welcomed her with a hug. "What brings you here?"

"Hi Maria! I'm actually back in town for a while."

She had asked Dean to be quiet about it, and he seemed to have respected her wishes. She read the surprise on Maria's face, which she hadn't expected: did Maria think she would stay alone at the farm with Ellie gone? And then she remembered Tommy mentioning them taking some time apart, and so she guessed that the news of Ellie's chasing after Abby's ghost in California had not been reported to her. Motherfucker...

"Ellie is… huh… she left." She said, clearing her throat, avoiding Maria's look. 

She heard the blond woman sigh deeply, bringing her hand to her forehead and shaking her head in exasperation.

"Jesus..." She muttered. "Are you okay?"

"Yea…" She shrugged. "I'm holding up."

There was a silence.

"So…" Dina started after taking a deep breath, placing her hands on her hips. "You know, I couldn't stay there. So I'm back in town. And-"

"And you want your old house back?" Maria cut her off, guessing her intention.

Dina nodded, holding Maria's gaze. 

"I'm sorry Dina, it's already been given to someone else." She grimaced. "We have a couple of houses cleaned and repaired in the southern part of the city. I can give you one there, they'll be ready by the end of the week."

"Oh, okay," Dina replied with a polite smile. She tucked her hands in the back pockets of her jeans and started to step back to the door. It was a pity, she had liked that house. "I'm staying at Robin and Michelle's for now. I'll just wait there until you give me the green light."

"And the keys," Maria added, raising a finger.

They both chuckled. 

"Thanks Maria. I'll see you around!" Dina said before completely turning toward the door. 

"Hey Dina!" Maria called out, forcing her to face her again. "I'm glad you decided to come back here. Wouldn't have been safe out there alone with the baby."

Dina nodded, that bitter taste returning to her mouth.

"Yea, I know."

* * *

Barely three days after she passed Jackson's gates, she came across Tommy on the main street. Having accepted Michelle's suggestion, she had gone out on a walk through the city, in the middle of the afternoon, discovering new shops and alleys, waving at a few people she had known before. 

She was coming back to Jesse's parents' house, walking in front of the Tipsy Bison when Tommy stumbled out of the door as if he'd tripped on the step or been pushed outside. 

He looked behind him, cursing at someone still inside and almost walked into Dina. He looked at her angrily, as if he were going to shove her out of his way, making Dina take a step back. But then, he seemed to realize who was standing in front of him and he paused. A surge of anger rushed through her veins, making her stand still, crossing her arms on her chest as her heartbeat accelerated.

"Tommy." she said with a firm voice that she hoped conveyed the thinly-veiled fury that still simmered beneath the surface. He stared at her with his good eye and let out a grunt meant to express his acknowledgement of the situation. 

"Dina." He said with a slurred, raspy voice. "Whassup? Heard yer back in the city..."

"I bet you did," Dina scoffed.

"Also heard Ellie's gone," he added, looking away for a second.

"Yea. She is." She didn't have more to say than that simple statement.

She bit her tongue and fought the tears that started to form in her throat. No fucking way she was gonna cry in front of Tommy. If anything, she wanted to land her fist in his face: but that would not be a wise way to start her moving back into Jackson and, even if his injuries had diminished him physically, she was sure he still packed one hell of a punch, if pushed. 

Dina could see he was not done with his thought so she didn't add anything more and waited for him to continue. With how hard the last two weeks had been for her and J.J., she felt like she could really use the apology. 

She flinched when he placed his heavy hand on her shoulder as he took a deep breath in, the heavy scent of stale whiskey billowing around her face on his exhale. 

"Did I ever tell you how I missed my chance to get that bitch sorted out?"

Wow, okay. Definitely not what she expected. 

It made her scoff again bitterly. 

"Seriously, Tommy?"

Ignoring her, Tommy slowly leaned back against the pillar in front of the building and licked his lips, looking for his words. 

"Back in Seattle, the day before she attacked us." He snorted. "I'd found a good hideout on this bridge. Was sniping these WLFs down. I was..." he paused, gesturing his shooting with an imaginary rifle. "I was actually having a good time. Y'know, I was letting off steam."

He absentmindedly scratched his beard and continued.

"And then, this blonde bitch. You know 'er face... burnt into my damn mem'ry." Tommy paused as he seemed to be trying to get his sluggish tongue around the words he wanted to say.

"I didn't ‘spect her there, I'd loss' track of her." He scowled to himself at the memory, not looking Dina in the face. "I was pissed. And then...then _she_ shows up." Tommy's eyes search the void, widening momentarily before narrowing on his next words. "And I'm stupid: I'm so goddamn mad at her for wha' she did to ma' brother. I want to take proper revenge." Dina watches as a sneer crosses his lips, half unsure if he even knows she is still there. Maybe she should walk away now, she thought. Clearly this was not the apology she'd anticipated. Tommy's accent grew progressively thicker as the memory drew him in. "So I played with her a lil' bit. Man, I tell ya', she was lousy a' hidin'! Might could'a shot her a dozen times... tried to sneak up the bridge, and I let ‘er come. Tommy squinted as he looked into the bright afternoon sky, undoubtedly a thousand miles away, probably not even registering that it was broad daylight, Dina guessed. "I'm ‘ere thinkin': takin' ‘er out wi' ma' rifle's too damn easy. She don't deserve a quick death like tha', righ'?"

He paused again, but Dina just stared at him, her lips held tight, taking in the information, wondering where he was going with this.

"So I keep shootin' nex' to ‘er, gittin' to ‘er nerves. I le' ‘er chase me inna' the building where I was hidin', I want'd ‘er to think she's in control. And righ' when they sure they got me, I shot ‘er friend. Righ' in the face, righ' in front a' ‘er. You shoulda' seen tha' bitch's face. She look like she shit ‘erself! And, man, I was laughin'!" 

He smirked and shook his head. 

"‘swhat I do, see, I'm a hunter." He thumbed his chest. "She ‘ad no clue who she was up against. How predictable she was! So once she though' she's loss' me, I jump ‘er.... n' I swear I ‘ad ‘er. He looked at Dina, squinting a bit, as if he suddenly remembered she was there. "I thought she would die there, in my hands." 

Dina watched the smile slide from his lips, his bloodshot eyes growing dark. 

"But she fucking threw ma' ass over the guard rail, jus' like tha'," he said, snapping his fingers, "straight into the water. My chance's gone." 

He snapped his fingers again. 

"Jus' like that." 

There was a silence. 

For a second Dina thought he was even going to laugh. To fucking laugh at the ending to his little story. But he stayed still and quiet, waiting for her reaction. Perhaps she would have laughed too; these were the most words she had ever heard the man string together, and quite frankly, she didn't give a flying fuck about whatever mistakes he's made. She shook her head slowly, dumbfounded.

"You fucking bastard," she whispered quietly. 

Tommy's eyebrows shot up and sucked in air, surprised. It was the first time Dina had ever cursed at him. Drunkenly, he pushed himself off the pillar to tower over her. 

"Y'know, Dina, I don't ‘spect you'da forgive me. Buh' sometimes, I'd give up everythin' to get back on tha' bridge, n' jus' shoot the motherfucker righ' between the eyes. It'd have changed everythin'."

Yes. It would have changed everything. 

Jesse would have come back from Seattle with them and J.J. would still have a father. 

And Ellie would have stayed with her and seen her son grow up. 

Did Ellie even know? 

Her hands were trembling and before she realized it, she felt the sting of impact and the rough surface of Tommy's unkempt stubble across her palm. The sound of her physical rebuttal reverberated down the street, which had fallen instantly silent.. She brought her hand up to her face to wipe the tears she could no longer hold.

"How the fuck could you send her after a woman whom _you_ couldn't even kill?" She let go between her teeth.

That Tommy felt shame after what happened in Seattle, she could understand. But that he would sacrifice Ellie, without any remorse... 

"You sent her off to _die_... for what?" She said, pushing him away. She couldn't stand to be near him. "Your miserable honor? How could you sacrifice her, when Joel died because he saved her?"

"Like I said," he replied, straightening his jacket. "Don't ‘spect you to forgive me, or to understand." 

He paused and raised a menacing finger in front of her face, in case the idea of slapping him crossed her mind again, especially now with an audience.

"But you know as much as I do tha' she woulda' left eventually."

"Get the _fuck_ away from me and my family, Tommy." She muttered, stepping back to the middle of the street. 

As she started walking away hastily, shaken by a series of sudden sobs, she heard Tommy grunt a patronizing "Alright, alright, _kiddo_. I let you think 'bout it."

She was a wreck when she came back to Robin and Michelle's house. Just like in the hospital when she had melted down in front of them, they comforted her like she was their own child. She chose not to tell them too much about the encounter, and they nodded understandingly when she evoked Tommy. It was notorious, apparently, that Tommy had slowly descended into an infernal spiral of destruction which affected those around him. Dina had already witnessed the result with Maria and, first hand, with Ellie.

She found herself thinking about Tommy's words more often than she wished. "You know as much as I do that she would've left eventually," he had said. But did she really know that? Yes, Ellie had tried to pretend she fit in their life at the farmhouse. Her frequent crises were proof that she did not. That she needed something more. And all the while, Dina had thought that what Ellie really needed was time. Time to accept talking. Time to heal her wounds and come to terms with the things she had seen and done. But now, she wasn't sure anymore. Should she have seen it coming? Had their life in the farm, with J.J., as a happy family just been a show, a pretence? A filler while Ellie waited for the first occasion to go after Abby again? It hurt to think it was.

* * *

The one week's wait for the house turned into two. In the meantime, Dina tried to pretend that everything was alright, that she was in perfect control of the situation. She couldn't avoid the gossip but she decided to ignore it. She did avoid Tommy, who, in spite of their row in the street, seemed to have got the message and was avoiding her as well.

She started volunteering to help at the library, something she had never done before, as well as in the stables, where she prepared the horses for the patrols or cleaned them when they came back. Working at the stable gave her an opening on the outside of Jackson: the rangers and patrollers would sometimes chat with her in the morning or upon their return, telling her tales about their short journey outside.

One of the perks of living with J.J.'s grandparents was that it gave her more freedom to walk around the city and try to reconnect with some of her former friends. 

It wasn't like before though: she still liked to be around people, liked to make them laugh or to tell them stories. But she had changed and she couldn't bring herself to be fully in the moment. On the few occasions she grabbed a drink with them, she would find herself quickly bored. She would gaze away, feeling as though someone else was supposed to join them to lighten the mood but never showed up. This feeling of expectation never really left her.

Just like during the first days alone in the farm, she felt herself jolting everytime a door was opened abruptly. Every time she saw someone running in the streets of the city carrying some news from the gate, her heart would start racing. Each time she heard someone walking behind her, a ghost of a smile would form on her lips, disappearing when she heard her name, leaving a pang in her chest because it wasn't _her_ voice that called her.

J.J. seemed calmer now that he had his grandparents around. She felt guilty both for being relieved that someone else could take care of him from time to time, and for realizing that her own anxiety over Ellie's departure had certainly contributed to the tantrums he'd had over the past couple of weeks. 

Maria stopped by the library one afternoon wearing a satisfied smile. She held up a set of keys for Dina.

"Finally got something for you!" She announced proudly. "Come on, follow me!"

Dina looked at David, who was running the library and he nodded, waving her out of the building with his unspoken agreement She smiled and followed Maria. They chatted, exchanging news with each other since Maria barely had the time to visit Dina since her return. They didn't talk about her fight with Tommy.

Because Jackson wasn't a huge city, they arrived quickly in the newly converted area. Four houses had finally been repaired, two on each side. Maria told her that two still remained empty for the moment. 

Furniture and boxes were piled in front of the house opposite to the one Maria pointed at for Dina. Dina didn't have much time to wonder who was moving in because as she squinted at the house, curious to detect her new neighbors through the closed windows, a familiar figure walked out to pick a box from the sidewalk. " _Marcus?_ " The surprise made Dina chuckle. These brothers seemed to be everywhere she went these days! 

He waved at her, shooting his signature big bright smile before walking back into the building. 

Maria stopped in front of her door. She placed the keys in Dina's hand and waved her on. The house was already partly furnished. Except for the crib, she wouldn't have furniture to bring in anyway.

Like many houses in Jackson, it was a two story building, with bedrooms on the upper floor and the kitchen and the living room on the ground floor. It was smaller than the farm, but there was a backyard accessible through the living room. 

She hadn't expected anything in particular, so she didn't pay much attention to the layout of the rooms. What caused her to let out a little cry of surprise, though, was the pile of boxes stored in the living room. Her own boxes that she brought back from the farm.

"Oh! Thanks Maria, you shouldn't have-" she started before Maria cut her off.

"Dean insisted on doing it for you," she said with a shrug.

Well, given that he was moving next door, it made sense, didn't it? 

* * *

After a week, Dina was almost done with unpacking her boxes and finding each item a new place. She was always amazed at how easy and quick it was to pack everything up, yet how long she procrastinated when the moment came to unpack. She wanted to find the right spot for everything. 

She had negotiated to get the evening shifts at the stables, this way she could use the morning in the house and had a good excuse to turn down some of her friends offers to get drunk at the Tipsy Bison or near the lake. After two weeks of forced smiles, she just couldn't find the strength to pretend any longer. 

Leaving Jesse's parents' house gave her more time to think. Which meant most of the hard feelings she had buried in a shallow nook of her mind came back to the surface as soon as the door closed and she found herself alone again with J.J.. 

She had been so focused on finding her autonomy again after her flight from the farmhouse that she had not expected the emotions to come back to her so violently. The heartache was not as biting as it had been during the first few days alone, but it remained nonetheless. Her sadness begot exhaustion. And her suppressed anger put her on edge, making her impatient. When she was alone in the sables, sometimes she would find herself cursing over an insignificant mishap. 

As she tried to shield her son from her darkness, she made a rule of not melting down in front of J.J., but she found herself asking Jesse's parents for a round of babysitting more often than she would normally have wanted.

She cried often, but she managed to keep it in the privacy of her closed bedroom. 

* * *

There was a knock on the door. Dina was not sure she had heard it, so she didn't get up until another three thumps sounded against her front door. It was late and she had been reading in bed for the last hour, finding serenity in J.J. soft snoring. 

She quietly stepped out of the room and walked downstairs to the door. She opened it just as quietly.

"Hi, Dina," said Dean warmingly, a shy smile on his face. "Sorry to bother you this late," he added.

"Hi, Dean," she smiled. "No worries. What can I do for you?"

"Well," he began, wincing as he looked for the best way to approach the matter that brought him across the street. "Remember that conversation we had last week?"

Dina cocked an eyebrow with interest. She nodded, inviting Dean to continue.

"I have something for you. If you're still interested."

"Oh?" She said, pleasantly surprised.

She had grown to appreciate Dean since he showed up on the porch of the farmhouse after Tommy's request. She appreciated that he knew more than anyone else what she was going through, having helped her so much already. And he was good company. When she was on evening shifts at the stables, they had made a habit of walking back together to their respective houses, mostly talking about his days outside.

"Yeah. I have it with me."

"Yessss!" she grinned knowingly. She then took his hand and ushered him inside. "Come on, let's go in the backyard."

She felt like she was back to her 15 year-old self for a second. She led Dean through the living room to the square court with grass behind it. She had set up a low table and a wooden bench there the day before.

"Oh, nice set up!" Dean said as he passed the door to the backyard.

Dina grimaced, it was still pretty dull. She was planning on doing something much more cosy with this backyard. She had big plans: candles, blankets, maybe a couple deck chairs to look at the stars at night... And flowers! She was trying to build herself a little haven of peace. Somewhere where she could escape when her feelings were too strong.

"Come on, don't be a dick," she replied, pushing him away playfully.

She sat on the bench and patted the seat next to her. Dean sat with a sigh.

"Show me!" Dina requested with excitement, a genuine smile crossing her face.

Dean searched in his pocket and presented her a long white blunt, proud of himself. 

"You're the best!" Dina said, clapping her hands as her smile widened. She leaned forward and planted a kiss on his cheek. He blushed.

"Should I light it?" He asked as he took a lighter out of his pocket.

Dina nodded and he brought the joint to his mouth. The flame lit his face for a few seconds before he took a long drag. A twinge of pain blossomed in Dina's chest when the image of Ellie, lighting a joint on the couch of her tiny house, came to her mind. They had done it often, laughing and joking for hours about their future. Ellie would tease her, describing a mama-looking Dina, spending her day cooking or knitting while raising a handful of Jesse's babies. And she would tease Ellie, describing the flowers and stones she would put on her grave because she would have died out of recklessness much too early. They got it almost right, she thought bitterly. Ellie had left a month ago, and Dina's hopes to ever see her alive again were dying down a bit more every day.

Dean interrupted her thoughts, handing her the joint and concluding, "Okay, not too bad."

Her smile had died a bit when she grabbed it. He didn't seem to notice. 

They smoked in silence for a few minutes.

"Hm, I've missed it." Dina eventually whispered, blowing the smoke away. "It reminds me of good old times with Eugene."

" _And with Ellie,_ " she thought bitterly.

"I went to his hideout, just like you described it." He said. "To be honest, I thought the place would've been emptied out, but I guess people still respect his memory 'round here."

He put his hand in his pocket again and pulled it out, presenting his palm open, facing up: seeds. Dina smiled again, biting her lips. Ellie and her had joked several times about going back to the former library building to snag a few things, hoping to bring back seeds to grow a few feet of weed at the farm. They had seriously considered it. 

Dina did not have the farm anymore, but she had a backyard... 

* * *

Dina quickly fell into a routine, or something that felt like it. She had liked to think of herself as someone strong and independent, but the truth was that, nonetheless, she had never felt so lonely before. 

She was focusing her attention on bringing up J.J., whose progress impressed her every day, but it was not always enough. Sometimes these moments made her sad, because no one was by her side to witness them: neither Jesse, nor Ellie. Only their ghosts in her memory.

Some days, she would visit Jesse and Joel at the cemetery. Having no grave to visit Ellie, she had found herself using Joel as a proxy. It helped her compartmentalize her feelings when they overwhelmed her. 

It was not that she had totally given up on the hope that Ellie would one day make it back to Jackson and to her. But she knew that deep inside, when holding on to that hope, she was only buying herself more time before confronting reality. Eventually, she would have to resign.

She wasn't sure of the count, something like forty-five or forty-six days had passed since Ellie walked out the back door of the farm house. It was not a long time considering traveling to Seattle had taken them almost a month. But after Tommy's confession, she had lost any hope that Ellie would survive another encounter with Abby. 

Today was one of those days where she had woken up after a dream in which Ellie had never left her. A dream in which they had gone to the river north of the farmhouse and bathed together, playing with the water, their bodies heated by the sun, their damp hair, hands, and thighs interlacing as they kissed, their ears resonating with their laughter. Dina had dreamt of Ellie's wet kisses on her neck, working their way up to her jaw and finding her mouth as she pulled her into her arms. But then the sunlight had struck her face a different way. Her face was suddenly colder, more dull. And the sounds of the river, and the feeling of Ellie's embrace had vanished. And the reality of her dream had come crashing in on her. She had woken up.

Today was one of those days where she needed Ellie. 

After Michelle came to watch over J.J. for the day, she pretended to go early to the library and instead, headed directly to the cemetery. She couldn't find the strength to eat anything and barely made it to the gate of the cemetery before the tears defeated her once again. She hated herself for being such a wreck. 

She walked to Joel's grave slowly. There was no need to rush: she would probably flake on the library shift and remain sitting against Joel's tombstone until she felt better. Which, really, at this point, could take half the day. 

The idea that someone other than her, Tommy or Maria could be visiting Joel's grave had never really crossed her mind. So she was taken aback when she saw the figure that was squatting by Joel's tomb. They were not blond like Maria and didn't have broad shoulders like Tommy. 

They were thin, muscular, and feminine. She had dark hair, falling against her neck, barely at shoulder length. She wore a plaid shirt and a pair of used jeans. Above all, she had an aura that Dina knew far too well and that made her wonder how it was possible that a dream felt so real.

Dina stopped a few feet away from the grave. 

The gravel under her boot crunched softly. 

The figure rose and turned to face her. 

For a second, time felt suspended. 

And then Ellie opened her mouth.

"Hi, Dina," she whispered softly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end of this part of the story, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! I'd love to read your thoughts on my take!
> 
> I'll soon post the second part because I'm really not done with these two girls! <\3

**Author's Note:**

> I always love to read people's reaction so don't hesitate to leave comments! (*⌒∇⌒*)


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